Nine years ago, I started this journal as an anonymous place for me to write. After my girlfriend received a very hateful letter from her 17 year old cousin, I discovered that a lot of the fodder (most of it odd misunderstandings of facts pulled out of context) came from her entire family stalking my livejournal.

Now, I didn't even know this kid, or any of the other Virginia IP addresses that have viewed my site, but if it stirs up that much passion and vitriol (sorry for the SAT word), then it's time to finally put this journal out of the hands of children.

This journal is now "Friends Only."

Thanks, Maggie.

Current Mood: annoyed

I can't shake the letter I read and have to admit going through a range of emotions, thoughts and reactions about it and the fallout it caused. I realize that my own reaction to it have a lot more to do with myself than anything. The facts are that the letter was written by some 17-year old chick that I had ever met, nor hardly heard of. The letter wasn't directed to me and not only was it factually ignorant, but its attempts at 'argument' were specious at best and, at worst, psychotic.

I guess that it was the resonance of mental illness, itself, that caught my attention, maybe. Maybe it was the fact that it was able to capture the essence of a larger sickness that seemed to affect that entire family.

Definitely, I've spent the time, since reading the letter, overcoming an angry desire to 'set the record straight' to that anonymous girl and that definitely is an issue that has more to do with myself than with someone that so definitely is below my radar.

First, the facts:

(1) There is a 'Warrant' out for my arrest and not, as the letter had, a 'Warrenty' [SIC]. The warrant stems from an indictment on expanded charges that I had already gone to court over and 'won' with a nolle prosse. Further, the charges are groundless and there is already a plan to turn myself in, hopefully, this August.
(2) Kelsey never had to depend on a 'lottery' for survival as an homeless person. There was, however, a 'bed lottery' for times when there were more people than beds. To lose it simply meant that you slept on a cot in the lobby.
(3) While, as the letter asserts, K__ and I 'like' each other, that characterization is an understatement typical of a little teenager whose only boy-girl experience is the drama of high school 'dating.' A more accurate description is that Kelsey and I grew to be 'in love' and that love has gone through trials, pains, angers, hurts, experiences, growth and work that would have long ago torn any couple apart if it was anything short of love.

The girl asks a question in the letter: "What's the point in putting yourselves in situations that don't keep you happy?" Without ever expecting an answer, she goes on to 'answer' her own question with all the ignorance and arrogance that only an angst-ridden teenager can muster.

The thing that this girl fails to understand is that K___ was not merely unhappy, but that our entire relationship sort of started with her crying at my cafe table because of a very deep unhappiness that had existed well before this stranger, unsure what to do, stroked her back and spend many sessions after, just listening to her. Our connection was formed in part by the fact that I was fighting my situation and let her feel that she could fight hers.

Another fact: (4) I lost everything due to combat-related, 'Delayed Onset PTSD' and, when I say everything, I mean memories, identity, condo, possessions, a six-figure income, business, friends, family, etc. I went from being Sean Rice, a designer, programmer, having a home, glass desk, huge flat-screened tv, etc... to being an homeless amnesiac overnight. By the time Kelsey met me, I was in a process of trying to get everything back and was fighting.

The answer to that question, "What's the point in putting yourselves in situations that don't keep you happy?" was hard to articulate, but essentially it is this: Very often, we're already unhappy and the thing I had to learn very quickly to survive is a two-step process. The First Step is the most crucial and is completely unforgiving if you lie to yourself even a little bit. You have to exactly know WHY you're unhappy to the point of knowing how much is coming from within you and how much is coming from outside. The Second Step is being brave enough to realize that you have to go THROUGH deep, dark, unhappiness in order to come out the other side.

Why put yourself in a situation that doesn't keep you happy? To finally FIND the happiness.

Finding happiness is not merely a matter of avoiding temporary unhappiness.

Further, I can state with absolute honesty that, despite the harder road that K__ and I chose, BOTH of us have experienced a contentment and happiness and hope for the future that neither one of us had ever imagined was possible. It's something that we were amazed by when sleeping together in a car while the rain came down in a rhythm that muffled all sound but our own breathing. We felt it when Spring and warm weather came to Boston, finding our own place along the Charles River, getting first jobs and pay checks, buying a bed, then a desk and chair, then being able to 'splurge' by finally going out to a restaurant...

"What's the point in putting yourselves in situations that don't keep you happy?" Assumes that we were NOT happy, which is untrue. There was an intense relief and bond that developed BECAUSE we found each other and discovered that there was another person that was finally LIKE US and that person wasn't 'out there, somewhere,' but rather was right here.

K___'s move to Boston allowed her to redevelop relationships with herself and her family that was finally not based on what could be taken away from her as a punishment. Everything she had was HERS. SHE earned them. Nobody could take them away. Nobody could threaten her. She could finally make decisions about herself.

This goes to another part of the letter: "... you were blessed with so many things in life & you threw it all away."

Again, the amount of arrogance and such a self-centered view of the world goes beyond being 'merely a teen' and being something closer to pubescent immaturity.

The thing is that K___ was only 'blessed' in the writers' eyes because the 'things in life' that were thrown away were things that the girl wanted for herself. The value of such things seems high to the writer of the letter and to throw them away seems irrational.

To understand the problem, imagine two slaves. One is happy with captivity as long as basic needs are met: food, water. That first slave also doesn't get enough of any of those things. She notices that the Second Slave seems to get all those things in abundance, but the Second Slave wants something else: Freedom. In protest, the Second Slave throws all the food to the ground and refuses to eat it. She spills the water into the ground, despite chapped lips and a parching throat.

Finally, the Master of the Slaves decides to 'punish' the second slave by exiling her outside of the city from which all food and water seem to come from. NOW the second slave has to learn to forage for herself. The first slave can only see how STUPID the second slave was by throwing away everything the first slave wanted.

Hopefully, the last part of the story goes like this: The second slave not only figures out how to forage (even after nearly starving) but THRIVES. Becomes WEALTHY in food. She returns to the city and meets the Master as an equal.

Thus, the next fact is this: (5) K__ didn't 'throw away' things she was 'blessed with.' Instead, for the very first time in her life, she found the courage to grasp these very things for herself and to OWN them. She didn't want anything to be given to her that could be taken away. She SAW that she could do this because of a 'Sean' that she met that wasn't 'pitiful' as he should have been, but was rather fighting against odds as he had always done to do the same thing.

"You're still blessed with a family that loves you despite everything." Huh. Well, I see a family that I find myself jealous of. MOST of them love each other and K__ and there IS NO 'despite everything.' The letter-writer seems to think that this family gives and takes away love based on whether they have been hurt or angered by another family member. Maybe the family only loves 'up to a certain point,' but if you go too far, the love ends?

No.

The letter-writing, arrogant, ignorant teen actually doesn't realize how 'blessed' SHE is in the fact that SHE and K___ have a family that loves each other irregardless of the conditions of each person and the day-to-day. The love and strong bonds EXIST. They survive. They survive surly teens with angst and anger just as much as they survive a woman that makes decisions that others don't agree with. The family is neither sheep, nor wolf.

I say this a person that was born of a family that pretty much ate their young. 'LOVE' in my own family either doesn't exist, is conditional, or is an un-felt set of rules about how you're 'supposed to act' because there's 'supposed to be love' and 'loved ones ACT in a certain way.'

Familial love is an obligation.

The fact that I was invited to Thanksgiving and that K__'s father didn't punch me in the face and that I was made to feel welcome despite all the misgivings... that was this teen's family.

My own family eats boyfriends and girlfriends like me up for lunch.

On the part of the letter that ended with "Tough Love," I have this to say:

The letter writer AND her family have no idea what 'tough love' means. The letter writer called a snarky letter and her selfish, ignorant, self-centered statements (none of which led to a valid conclusion) "tough love." In fact, it was merely a rant aimed to hurt a woman that didn't deserve it. The 'tough love' was more about spewing out a lot of venom with a Christian, righteousness style of writing that completely failed in its attempt to hide the real motives of the letter writer.... except, maybe to herself.

There wasn't any tough love in the letter and there was no love. Instead, the letter writer had expectations on K___ and a relationship that wasn't reciprocated. The hurt caused by that lack of reciprocation turned naturally into anger. The words that the letter writer used ended up being weapons with which she could use to cause as much pain in K___ as she felt, herself: FORCED Reciprocation.

Tough love is this: Having an intense love for a person, but having to let go of any attempt to control the outcome no matter HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO PROTECT THEM. Tough love means to allow a person that you love dearly to make choices that may hurt them or even KILL them. It means to allow them to live with the natural consequences of their behavior.

The letter was not only ignorant on 'tough love' but was exactly the opposite: An attempt to control the outcome through guilt.

For example, "This, all of this, has impacted me hugely and at times triggered depression/cutting. I know you probs [SIC] don't care about all this personal crap since you pretty much act like you're married and got it all."

Translation: Your actions are directly responsible for decisions I made and I'm not responsible for my own decisions and you don't care because you have everything (and I don't).

The following is some Tough Love:

______________________

Dear Maggie:

I think you're not only as screwed up with depression as K___ and PT, but I think further that you're coddled and allowed to be STUPID without any consequence. Everyone shields you from the consequences of your illness and the actions caused by your illness. Where your family seems to suffer depression as a condition, I suffer depression as a symptom of another condition. You can't claim that we don't know what you're suffering.

K____ and I have been helping each other work THROUGH the problems. You squat in it and refuse to get up and move through it.

I've written rants before, especially after being 'triggered' by heavy helicopters, which bring me back to 1989 Beirut. I get angry, paranoid, hyper-vigilant, protective, etc. That said, I have to answer to words I say to other people. You can ask Aunt Rheba about morning-after, "please forgive my words." The point is that you completely missed the point of Kelsey's decisions and if, as you say, you looked up to her and felt hurt by her absence, you better get your ass out of your own pile of shit and figure out what Kelsey and I were trying to do: WE were escaping the very same thing you're going through.

You want tough love? Here's some tough love: If you want to get out of mental illness, you better stop being stupid. The street (i.e. The World) doesn't have the patience for stupid people and neither does K___ and I.

If you want to get out of this, then I suggest coming to K__ on your knees. K___ has learned a lot and has grown the strength (is GROWING the strength) to get out. You're still handwriting hateful letters aimed to hurt.

If it's any consolation, your words were VERY well crafted: You very much hurt Kelsey. I spent a lot of time with her after that letter and had to give up my day because of you. You achieved your objective: Hurting someone and making sure they couldn't strike back.  Sitting down with your mother and Aunt with Kelsey after solidifying a 'deal' where Kelsey couldn't talk about the letter...? Awesome! Added touch: You frustrated Kelsey and caused an huge fight between her and her mom.

I don't have any such deal.

You don't like me, according to your letter, because I 'caused' K___ to 'change.' No. Get the facts straight and be honest: You don't like me because K___ found an escape and left you behind.

Tough Love? Here it is: You want to pick yourself up out of your own shit and follow us for the ride, then you better learn some humility: You do NOT know everything. You do NOT have answers to your own questions. You do NOT know any facts about K___ and I. You can't even separate us from your own issues.

Tough love: I don't really give a fuck what your decision is. I'll carry you along if you decide that you'd rather be happy, will drop you in an instant if you give up, refuse, etc. The reason I'd carry you along is that, like it, or not (and I don't like it) you're family.

-- Sean Patrick Michael Mathew Rice